Drowning
by callie rawston
Summary: One Shot from Eddi's PoV, based on Eddi/Max. Eddi's reflections on her situation, based lightly on the spoilers for the next few episodes. Set October 2012.


**So this is the result of someone suggesting me I should just write what I feel like writing in the middle of the night. This is the first Eddi fic I have written and it is based on her current storyline, but fast-forwarded a few weeks from now. It does contain slight spoilers for the next few weeks I believe. **

**Sometimes you just need to write something angsty!**

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**Drowning**

The sound of the door slamming dragged her slowly from her dreamless sleep and caused her to open her eyes a crack despite her desire to return to the peaceful darkness forever. The harsh light that streamed through the gap in the curtains was almost more than she could bear and as she turned over to give herself some respite from the bright glow she groaned aloud and scrunched herself up at the searing pain that flew through her body at lightning speed. Eddi tried to get comfortable once more, willing herself to drift back into nothingness and make the circling pain inside her brain stop just for the briefest of moments but she found her bed unexpectedly hard and unwelcoming, the only respite from the coldness being the gentle tickling sensation of something fluffy under her face. She carefully opened her eyes fully and attempted to take in the scene that surrounded her, blinking rapidly as her mind tried to adjust to the semi-darkness that remained. She was immediately disorientated at how disturbed everything appeared in front of her, almost as if someone had taken her possessions and repositioned them all, meaning it took her a few seconds to process that her confusion was mainly caused by waking up sprawled across the floor of her hallway rather than in the bed mere metres away in her room, the carpet of which she appeared to be using as a pillow.

Eddi brought her hand up towards her face to wipe away the sleep from her eyes and give herself a better view, before placing it on the carpet beside her. She recoiled it in horror at touching wetness as it dawned on her that she had drooled in her sleep. She sat up sharply and clutched at her head, knowing instinctively quite how much the sudden movement would cause it to hurt even before it did. Eddi pushed herself backwards so that she was seated upright leaning against door frame and surveyed the wreckage of her home. She had never been either the tidiest or most organised person, her chaotic lifestyle had never leant itself to that, but even she had to question at what point it had become normal for there to be half drunk bottles of various drinks piled up in the corner of each room and broken glass strewn across the floor from when one too many had turned into too much to keep a grasp on anything in her hand.

Eddi used all of her strength and determination to push herself back up against the door frame into an upright position, steading herself as the wave of nausea that took over as she reached her full height threatened to overwhelm her. She caught sight of herself in the mirror at the end of the hall as she turned her head and winced at the view. Her short hair appeared to be sticking up on end in tufts, more straggly than in any particular style anymore and even as a one-time party girl she had to accept that waking up the morning after in last night's clothes with last night's make up smeared across her face was not a good look on anyone. She stepped cautiously in the direction of the kitchen, glancing back as she left her bedroom doorway to see that her unmade bed was strewn with debris and realised that she could not recall the last night she had actually slept in it.

On reaching the kitchen Eddi immediately opened the fridge to search for something to munch on but was disappointed to find nothing bar a few measly half eaten tins of beans and a tub of butter for bread she already knew she did not have. She closed the door and headed to the sink, turning on the tap and splashing her face with cold water in a desperate attempt to wake herself up. She looked around for an empty glass to drink from, but on finding no clean ones in the vicinity she sourced one from the sink, cringing slightly at the sticky texture she didn't doubt was from some sugary alcoholic concoction many nights previously, before filling it with water and gulping that gratefully. The cool liquid felt instantly soothing as it streamed down her throat causing Eddi to repeat the action several times until she felt refreshed. She padded back down the hallway with a full glass still in hand and headed back into her bedroom, where she lowered herself down onto the bed with a sigh. Her eyes strayed to the alarm clock and whilst she didn't disbelieve that it was 6 o'clock she found herself uncertain at which end of the day this might be. She knew that if she could be bothered to find her phone or turn on the television this would be quick enough to establish but the thought of moving further was unappealing and she found herself far from bothered what day of the week it was, let alone the time.

Eddi allowed herself to sink back into her duvet further, pulling her uniform out from underneath her as she did so and wondering at what point it had ended up in amongst her bed clothes. It was so screwed up that even she realised that if she wore that to work for her next shift someone was likely to notice, even if that was just to shout at her some more or pull her up for her lack of commitment. She knew that they all thought they had been so clever in making Max leave as they had. Luc, Sasha, Chrissie, even Michael perhaps, had all openly expressed their pleasure in watching him depart but they didn't know him like she did and whilst all they saw was a man with issues, Eddi knew more than most quite what Max's problems entailed. It had only taken seeing him break down that once over his addiction to make her realise that she could not walk away, so as everyone else just assumed he liked enjoying himself that bit too much, as a nurse, as his friend and as the person who had been sharing his bed for weeks Eddi was well aware that it had fallen to her to protect him from harming himself any further.

Eddi touched the name badge on her uniform, liking how cool it felt across her skin, and reflected on quite how difficult the past few weeks had been. As her hands brushed down across the familiar blue material she was so used to wearing every day her fingers skimmed the pockets and she reached in to pull out the sheet of capsules that had become a necessary source of pain relief recently. She had never been afraid of popping a few pills here and there, especially to take the edge off a hangover the morning after a decent party the night before, and she doubted there were few medical staff who had not taken up that particular perk of access to medication in their careers. However she was certain that she had never had such incredibly bad headaches as she had when first Sasha and then Luc had started to get on her case about missing medication and Max's behaviour, something the man himself had rightly put down to her being stressed out. She had grown sick and tired of her colleagues' interference in her life and their apparently well-meaning, but misplaced, platitudes about how she would get over Max in time now that he had gone. Not only was Max far from disappeared from her life, in fact his presence in her flat was almost overwhelming at times, but she recognised now more than ever that she would be in a much worst state without him.

Eddi recalled all the times in the past few days that Max had held her as she vented about the idiocy of Holby politics and the inane smiles on people's faces as they claimed to be supportive of her. She felt incredibly guilty that he had to listen to all of her minor disagreements as he himself was dealing with his own more serious problems, problems she had committed to helping him with but as ever it was he who had poured her a drink and passed her a few more Camoxidan to help her steady her nerves. Max had willingly taken a key to her place, he made a joke out of treasuring it but whenever she was home alone and she heard the key turn in the lock, she always found herself smiling that he was back once more. She knew it mattered to her more than it should that he still felt at home in her apartment but in truth after her previous experience, she had fully expected him to stay one night after Michael let him go and that she was unlikely to see him again after that. When she had returned from work the following day to find Max still present, albeit collapsed into a chair under the influence of his medication, she had never been more pleased to see anyone and now, with an ever present reminder of what it felt like to have someone leave you in the department with her every day in the form of Luc, she found herself reaching out to Max most nights whilst he was sleeping just to check he was still at her side.

Eddi popped two of the pills from their packet and downed them quickly, swigging on the glass of water to ensure she swallowed them without effort. She reflected that there had been times in recent weeks where rather than her deal with Max's withdrawal he had been the one to hold her as she was violently sick and that a couple of days before when she had been too weak and shaky to go to work, he had taken the day off himself to spend in bed beside her, holding her as she sobbed through the pain before he had finally relented and given her something to make it stop. She couldn't recall quite how she had come to be waking up on the floor now or where Max had gone but she hoped he would be back soon, as it was incredibly lonely in the flat without him.

From in amidst the debris across her bed Eddi heard the familiar tone of her phone start to chime and in spite of the sickness inducing pain triggered by moving at speed she frantically trawled through the duvet until she located the source of the noise, wincing as she removed it from the muffling blankets and it blasted its ring in her direction at full volume, piercing through her eardrums. She found a deep sense of disappointment in seeing it register it was "Sasha calling" as whilst until recently he had been her closest friend, since Max had entered their lives he had strayed from distant to irritated to downright rude on occasion and she couldn't bring herself to manage a conversation with him at that moment. Eddi cancelled the call and turned her phone off, determined not to deal with the hassles of work related people until she felt slightly less hellish.

Eddi forced herself up from the bed and trudged back out into the hallway before stumbling into the bathroom, almost losing her balance as she did so. She was far too aware that every part of her ached, these days it always did, and there was something about a soothing bath that sounded entirely welcoming. She spun on the hot tap, even though she felt so weak it was almost a struggle to do so, before she started removing her clothes. She peeled off her black top, pulling it over her head and throwing it to the ground and trying to focus on what she needed to do rather than how incredibly awful she felt. She yanked at the fastening on her trousers before pulling them down and stepping out of them, finding herself now dressed simply in her mismatched underwear in front of the bathroom mirror.

Eddi was momentarily shocked to spy quite how deep a purple the bruises to her ribs had become, similarly those around her hips and she found herself grateful that even when Max was trying to undergo withdrawal he had seen fit only to lash out at parts of her that could not be easily seen, especially in her scrubs. She was sure that if she turned up at work with scars to her face or arms that someone would feel the need to interfere, or insist that she was sent home, and it was only the regular routine of work that was respite from the realities of caring for Max. Eddi quickly unfastened her bra and removed both that and her knickers, before opening the bathroom cabinet reluctantly. She knew she shouldn't take anything else but given how badly she hurt that morning she just wanted to be able to lie back in the bath and relax, so she removed two further capsules and attempted to swallow them. She choked slightly; her throat apparently still dry from the time spent passed out on the floor, so she looked around to see what was available and noticed the glass of wine on the window sill. Eddi couldn't recall the last time she had taken a drink to the bath with her, so its presence was unexpected but welcome and she downed it quickly.

She stepped into the bath, wincing sharply at the scalding water before slowly sinking into it and laying herself out as comfortably as was possible. She allowed her mind to drift to work and what she herself would say to a patient who had taken four Camoxidan and a glass of wine after passing out the night before, but refused to accept the outcome she came up with. After all she reflected, it was Max who had an addiction to prescription medication and it was he who had needed her help. She knew that it was for that reason, despite his departure from her ward, that she had allowed him to remain in her flat and she had been supporting him albeit unsuccessfully so far to withdraw from his usage. She was certain that the fact she was taking prescription medication herself was only as a result of the stress both her home and work situation was putting her under and that whilst Max was the person supplying her with what she needed, she didn't believe that he was doing it anything other than reluctantly. He had told her often enough that he regretted giving her that very first dose on the ward several weeks before, but she had been having a rotten day and she had needed something, even he had to accept that. She had reassured him as she always did that she was not an addict and that he should concentrate on himself, but whilst he had promised her to do that she had to admit she was disappointed that rather than Max reducing his daily dosage of Camoxidan she appeared to have increased hers substantially.

Eddi leant her head back as the steam gradually started to soothe her mind and the boiling water began to numb her aching bones. She briefly wondered at what point the relationship between her and the drugs she was trying to wean the man who now dominated her life had shifted to the point where that even as she attempted to help him get clean from them she was becoming more and more dependant but rather than allow that trail of thought to continue, she squashed it flat knowing that she did not have the brain capacity at that particular moment to think it through. Eddi suddenly felt incredibly sleepy and the overwhelming urge to shut her eyes fell across her instantly, so strong that she felt unable to fight it.

Eddi closed her eyes and allowed her mind to float off; hoping this sense of total exhaustion would help her relax into her bath. She felt the water touch the bottom of her chin and jerked awake slightly in surprise before succumbing once more, sliding further down into the water as her eyes closed and she fell into a peaceful sleep, drifting away from the reality she couldn't bring herself to face.

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**Thank you very much for reading. If you enjoyed, or even if you didn't, please review. I always like to hear people's comments.**

**Callie x**


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